The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
