What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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