If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
