now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I pour the whiskey from now on
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
