i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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