You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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