Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
