not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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