Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
