I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There r osticjed everywhere
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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