I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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