even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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