this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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