A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
