remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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