I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
