I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
