my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!