3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
