I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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