I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
