He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
