You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
