i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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