She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
