im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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