she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
