The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
