I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
