I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
