My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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