September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
