I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
