I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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