my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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