i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
