My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
