i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
