We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
