I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
