And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
