im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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