I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
