I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
