Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
