just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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