I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
