Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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