I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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