in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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