don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
