he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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