Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
