She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
