I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
