mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
