I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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