I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
