My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
