you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
