Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
