Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
